Here's something I've just come across online. Of all the widow self help guide's I've read, this is one of the best. Yes there are a lot of irrelevant points about what to do if you have children, but there are also a lot of things which I found helpful to read.
http://www.merrywidow.me.uk/downloads/guide.pdf
Its by a woman called Kate Boydell who's book "Big Hearted Man" I am currently reading.
Obviously this is the best guide until I bring out my own one, which will of course be better than anything ever written before! The actual website http://www.merrywidow.me.uk/ is also very good and has an online community. I'm not actually a member as its mainly people who were married, but hey it might help some people out!
Monday, 30 May 2011
Sunday, 29 May 2011
The Best Medicine
For anyone who is reading this blog and is unfortunate enough to be in the same or similar situation to myself, then I have a little word of advice. My advice is to spend as much time as possible with your closest friends. I just had a lovely visit from one of my best friends and it has done me the world of good. It was good having someone to talk to, to talk about things that you can't say to your family. It helps that my friend was also friends with Andy too, so we could talk about him easily too. We had a brilliant day, spending lots of money in our heads when we went out shopping, and then finished off the day with a trip to the cinema.
Yes there are some friends who may let you down and not act as you expected them too; but there are a lot of friends who can step up to the mark and be really brilliant in situations like mine. I am lucky to have some really good friends in my life (as well as a fantastic family + extended family) and I am thankful every day for them all. I'm looking forward to being able to go home in just over a week's time, to be back with my family and my friends and to just chill out for a little while and get my head sorted.
We hit the two month mark yesterday and I can honestly say that I am a different person to Louise from two months ago, and even from just one month a go. Its a horrible cliche and I'm completely fed up of hearing the cliches all the time, but it is true - time is a healer, and things do get better however hard it seems to go on. The first three months are tricky and I found out the other day that I will be ending my first three months of grief on either a high or a low - The 28th June is the day I find out my degree grade! I'm hoping for a high, and by the way things are going at the moment its looking like it will end that way. The university know about my situation and so will take everything into consideration, but I think I'm doing fine on my own - although I won't say no to some extra marks if they give them to me! This outlook shows how different I am from one month ago where I was terrified at the fact that I will fail my exams and end up with no degree and no future life in front of me - but now I feel differently! Just two more exams left to go and its over -11 days til home, not that I'm counting!!
Yes there are some friends who may let you down and not act as you expected them too; but there are a lot of friends who can step up to the mark and be really brilliant in situations like mine. I am lucky to have some really good friends in my life (as well as a fantastic family + extended family) and I am thankful every day for them all. I'm looking forward to being able to go home in just over a week's time, to be back with my family and my friends and to just chill out for a little while and get my head sorted.
We hit the two month mark yesterday and I can honestly say that I am a different person to Louise from two months ago, and even from just one month a go. Its a horrible cliche and I'm completely fed up of hearing the cliches all the time, but it is true - time is a healer, and things do get better however hard it seems to go on. The first three months are tricky and I found out the other day that I will be ending my first three months of grief on either a high or a low - The 28th June is the day I find out my degree grade! I'm hoping for a high, and by the way things are going at the moment its looking like it will end that way. The university know about my situation and so will take everything into consideration, but I think I'm doing fine on my own - although I won't say no to some extra marks if they give them to me! This outlook shows how different I am from one month ago where I was terrified at the fact that I will fail my exams and end up with no degree and no future life in front of me - but now I feel differently! Just two more exams left to go and its over -11 days til home, not that I'm counting!!
Friday, 27 May 2011
Another One Bites The Dust
Woo! Just got out of my second exam - only two more left now, then its all over forever, no more exams ever!
Sitting an exam whilst grieving is a very odd experience; its the only time where I don't think about Andy because I have to be so focussed on my work that everything else leaves my mind. I feel slightly guilty when I'm not thinking about him, or when I'm having a good day, but its a feeling I know I'm going to have to get used to. Eventually the thoughts will fade, I know that, but for now I like to hold on to them and think of him at every possible moment so I don't forget anything.
To be honest, despite everything, I think I'm doing pretty well in my exams so far. On talking to other people, they all seemed not very confident about it, whereas I was happy with how it had gone. It makes me feel better because other people are struggling and they don't have half the problems that I do. I got the marks back for the essay I had to write at the beginning of term. Turned out I did really well, got 68% which was better than my mark on the first essay from the previous term. I was surprised because I didn't spend much time on it and I didn't put much effort in. Shows that I can still do it despite everything!
I'm very much looking forward to tomorrow (sat) as one of my best friends is coming up to visit me. Its a good day for her to come up as its two months tomorrow since he died, so we can find something to do to take my mind off of it. Think we're going to go to the cinema to see The Hangover Part 2 which I'm quite excited about!
So, almost two months on, things are starting to look up a bit. I've got less than two weeks left at university, I feel like I'm doing well on my exams, and I have some fantastic friends. I think I'm going to get through this!
Sitting an exam whilst grieving is a very odd experience; its the only time where I don't think about Andy because I have to be so focussed on my work that everything else leaves my mind. I feel slightly guilty when I'm not thinking about him, or when I'm having a good day, but its a feeling I know I'm going to have to get used to. Eventually the thoughts will fade, I know that, but for now I like to hold on to them and think of him at every possible moment so I don't forget anything.
To be honest, despite everything, I think I'm doing pretty well in my exams so far. On talking to other people, they all seemed not very confident about it, whereas I was happy with how it had gone. It makes me feel better because other people are struggling and they don't have half the problems that I do. I got the marks back for the essay I had to write at the beginning of term. Turned out I did really well, got 68% which was better than my mark on the first essay from the previous term. I was surprised because I didn't spend much time on it and I didn't put much effort in. Shows that I can still do it despite everything!
I'm very much looking forward to tomorrow (sat) as one of my best friends is coming up to visit me. Its a good day for her to come up as its two months tomorrow since he died, so we can find something to do to take my mind off of it. Think we're going to go to the cinema to see The Hangover Part 2 which I'm quite excited about!
So, almost two months on, things are starting to look up a bit. I've got less than two weeks left at university, I feel like I'm doing well on my exams, and I have some fantastic friends. I think I'm going to get through this!
Monday, 23 May 2011
Exam Time
The weeks I've been dreading are finally here: yes, its exam time for me.
I had my first one today, which was Advanced Topics in Algorithms - sounds hard, but isn't too bad really, especially if you've done three years of studying algorithms like I have!! To be honest, I think I rocked it. I don't like to be too confident about exams because I don't like to disappoint myself, but I really feel that this went well. All the things I knew came up, and I answered all the questions that I had to answer. I couldn't have done any better. I even left the exam early, which I wanted to do anyway, because I don't like everyone discussing exams after they're done, plus I'm still not confident in large crowds of people. I spoke to a friend who also left early, and she said it went well for her too. I'm feeling a lot more confident about passing my exams now, and if the university wants to give me some extra marks on top of that, then it will be even better :D
Next exam isn't until Friday, so got plenty of time to revise for that, and some much needed time to relax this evening!
One last thing I'd like to say today is the weird phenomena with rain I've been experiencing lately. I'm probably thinking in to it too much, but I feel that Andrew is protecting me from the rain. Whenever I go outside and it looks like its going to rain, it always holds off until I'm inside. Its happened several times now, so I don't feel like its just a coincidence anymore - I can't remember the last time I was caught out in a rain storm. For example, today the weather has been terrible, I almost got blown away on my way on to campus for my exam. As soon as I was safely inside, it tipped it down with rain - so hard I could hear it from inside the building. But once I'd finished my exam and left the building, the rain had stopped and didn't rain on my journey home, despite thick black clouds in the sky.
Anyway, like I said, I'm probably thinking too much, but its nice to think that Andy is still out there and looking after me in the only way he can! Enough of my crazy ramblings for today I think!!
I had my first one today, which was Advanced Topics in Algorithms - sounds hard, but isn't too bad really, especially if you've done three years of studying algorithms like I have!! To be honest, I think I rocked it. I don't like to be too confident about exams because I don't like to disappoint myself, but I really feel that this went well. All the things I knew came up, and I answered all the questions that I had to answer. I couldn't have done any better. I even left the exam early, which I wanted to do anyway, because I don't like everyone discussing exams after they're done, plus I'm still not confident in large crowds of people. I spoke to a friend who also left early, and she said it went well for her too. I'm feeling a lot more confident about passing my exams now, and if the university wants to give me some extra marks on top of that, then it will be even better :D
Next exam isn't until Friday, so got plenty of time to revise for that, and some much needed time to relax this evening!
One last thing I'd like to say today is the weird phenomena with rain I've been experiencing lately. I'm probably thinking in to it too much, but I feel that Andrew is protecting me from the rain. Whenever I go outside and it looks like its going to rain, it always holds off until I'm inside. Its happened several times now, so I don't feel like its just a coincidence anymore - I can't remember the last time I was caught out in a rain storm. For example, today the weather has been terrible, I almost got blown away on my way on to campus for my exam. As soon as I was safely inside, it tipped it down with rain - so hard I could hear it from inside the building. But once I'd finished my exam and left the building, the rain had stopped and didn't rain on my journey home, despite thick black clouds in the sky.
Anyway, like I said, I'm probably thinking too much, but its nice to think that Andy is still out there and looking after me in the only way he can! Enough of my crazy ramblings for today I think!!
Friday, 20 May 2011
Couples
So everything has been fine in my camp for the past few days, the tears have been calming down a lot. But then I was struck by something yesterday.
I was walking on to campus for a revision lecture and ended up stuck behind this loved-up couple who couldn't take two steps without stopping to kiss or gaze at each other. At first I thought "ugh, get a room", but then a little while later, I realised I was jealous of them. I miss being a couple. I don't think, or at least I hope not, that me and Andrew were that sickly together, but I miss having someone who wants to hold on to me all the time and stop for kisses. Going from being a "we" for 19 months to a "me" again is really daunting.
Confession time: I hadn't had a proper boyfriend before I met Andy. Shocking, I know! That's why our relationship was so special really. I'd been waiting 19 sad years, then I met Andy and that was it, that was the rest of my life sorted out. No one forgets their first love and I certainly won't be forgetting mine ever. Andy loved the fact that I was his and only his. Its probably why I fell so hard for him; he was the first person to tell me he loves me, and say that I'm beautiful, even when I didn't feel very beautiful. He truely loved me. And I loved him.
The thought of being with someone else in the future is terrifying. I recently read a book about a woman who was widowed at 23 and after three months she was out having one night stands all the time. I can't imagine acting like that. Its not in my nature to go out and pick up men, but also because I belong to Andy still. You are going to have to be bloody perfect to try and take me away from him. I'm sure my friends would never let me act like that anyway!!
One day, during one of his many visits up to see me at uni, we had a rather random conversation about what would the other do if one of us died suddenly. I remember telling him that if it was me that died, I would want him to move on because he couldn't be on his own forever. He said that he wouldn't want anyone else, and that if it was him that died, I should be on my own forever and just mourn him. No one else was allowed to have me. Looking back, I hope he was joking, because even though its miles and miles down the road, I can't see myself spending the rest of my life alone.
Maybe one day, but not today, or any day in the near future. No one could come close to my Andy. Still doesn't stop me missing being a couple though!
I was walking on to campus for a revision lecture and ended up stuck behind this loved-up couple who couldn't take two steps without stopping to kiss or gaze at each other. At first I thought "ugh, get a room", but then a little while later, I realised I was jealous of them. I miss being a couple. I don't think, or at least I hope not, that me and Andrew were that sickly together, but I miss having someone who wants to hold on to me all the time and stop for kisses. Going from being a "we" for 19 months to a "me" again is really daunting.
Confession time: I hadn't had a proper boyfriend before I met Andy. Shocking, I know! That's why our relationship was so special really. I'd been waiting 19 sad years, then I met Andy and that was it, that was the rest of my life sorted out. No one forgets their first love and I certainly won't be forgetting mine ever. Andy loved the fact that I was his and only his. Its probably why I fell so hard for him; he was the first person to tell me he loves me, and say that I'm beautiful, even when I didn't feel very beautiful. He truely loved me. And I loved him.
The thought of being with someone else in the future is terrifying. I recently read a book about a woman who was widowed at 23 and after three months she was out having one night stands all the time. I can't imagine acting like that. Its not in my nature to go out and pick up men, but also because I belong to Andy still. You are going to have to be bloody perfect to try and take me away from him. I'm sure my friends would never let me act like that anyway!!
One day, during one of his many visits up to see me at uni, we had a rather random conversation about what would the other do if one of us died suddenly. I remember telling him that if it was me that died, I would want him to move on because he couldn't be on his own forever. He said that he wouldn't want anyone else, and that if it was him that died, I should be on my own forever and just mourn him. No one else was allowed to have me. Looking back, I hope he was joking, because even though its miles and miles down the road, I can't see myself spending the rest of my life alone.
Maybe one day, but not today, or any day in the near future. No one could come close to my Andy. Still doesn't stop me missing being a couple though!
Tuesday, 17 May 2011
A Counselling Session
So my email counsellor (yes I have an email counsellor, I get a reply once a week, its quite helpful) suggested I sign up for a workshop called When You Lose Someone You Love. I was a bit skeptical but I signed up for it as its a free service offered by the university and I might as well use all the resources I can.
I've just got back from this workshop and I'm in two minds about it. We were told not to talk about the other people at the session, but I don't know them and they don't know me so what the hell. I was under the impression that this would be a helpful workshop for bereaved people like me, and that was what the leader of the workshop thought too. But it turns out the other two girls at the workshop had just been dumped by their horrible boyfriends and couldn't get over it. There was only three of us at the session so I was the only person who had actually dealt with death.
It was a fairly awkward session, lots of silent moments and some language barriers (I was the only English one other than the leader). The leader of the session was quite strange, and although gave good advice and said good things, he had a strange way about him. He would start a sentence, then take a long breath and pause and then carry on with the rest of it. He had a very soft voice, and kept looking straight at me.
I couldn't get upset when the other girls were telling their stories. They were so upset at the fact that their boyfriends had dumped them, they wanted to forget everything and were angry at the men. It did however make me realise that I forgive Andrew for dying. The session leader told us a really good quote, which was "Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past". It really struck me because our past together was so good; we were so so happy. I seriously could not have asked for a happier 19 months; I had a man who treated me like a princess, he loved me so so much and would never have done anything to hurt me.
I am never angry with Andrew for dying. I'm often angry at the universe because its out of my control but I just have to do things with my life to make it better - raise money for charity, be proactive. There's no point in wasting time wishing for a cure for cancer, wishing won't bring back Andrew, but I can help so other people won't have to through what I've had to.
I've just got back from this workshop and I'm in two minds about it. We were told not to talk about the other people at the session, but I don't know them and they don't know me so what the hell. I was under the impression that this would be a helpful workshop for bereaved people like me, and that was what the leader of the workshop thought too. But it turns out the other two girls at the workshop had just been dumped by their horrible boyfriends and couldn't get over it. There was only three of us at the session so I was the only person who had actually dealt with death.
It was a fairly awkward session, lots of silent moments and some language barriers (I was the only English one other than the leader). The leader of the session was quite strange, and although gave good advice and said good things, he had a strange way about him. He would start a sentence, then take a long breath and pause and then carry on with the rest of it. He had a very soft voice, and kept looking straight at me.
I couldn't get upset when the other girls were telling their stories. They were so upset at the fact that their boyfriends had dumped them, they wanted to forget everything and were angry at the men. It did however make me realise that I forgive Andrew for dying. The session leader told us a really good quote, which was "Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past". It really struck me because our past together was so good; we were so so happy. I seriously could not have asked for a happier 19 months; I had a man who treated me like a princess, he loved me so so much and would never have done anything to hurt me.
I am never angry with Andrew for dying. I'm often angry at the universe because its out of my control but I just have to do things with my life to make it better - raise money for charity, be proactive. There's no point in wasting time wishing for a cure for cancer, wishing won't bring back Andrew, but I can help so other people won't have to through what I've had to.
Sunday, 15 May 2011
A family filled weekend!
I've been a busy girl this weekend, busier than I've been for a long time actually - its a bit of a shock to my system actually and I'm now pretty tired!
Had a visit from Andrew's parents and sister on Saturday, which was lovely and I know they had been looking forward to it, so it was nice to be able to give them a happy day. Actually went shopping properly for the first time in months. I found myself being quite indecisive and not knowing what to buy, but I'm happy with the purchases I made and I'm sure my Andy would have been happy with them too. It brought back lots of happy memories; when he used to come and visit me whilst at uni last year we would always go into town and he would spoil me rotten! Lots of memories spent looking round the shops together, dreaming about things we could buy for our future house etc. It was nice having a day spent with people who wanted to talk about Andy and who were eager to hear my stories, rather than all the people who avoid the subject the rest of the time. I love talking about Andy and how wonderful he was, but I also like remembering the arguments too and all of the moments when he wasn't perfect. And I'm sure his family loved it too, they know their son wasn't always perfect, but he was also an amazing person too!
Today my mummy and daddy came to see me and brought lots and lots of cake with them, which makes my housemates very happy; they're currently munching away on various items. I've really missed my mum since I've been away because there are so many moments where I really need a mummy hug because there's nothing like one of those. Yesterday in House of Fraser I made a beeline in the perfume section to the one my mum wears just so I had that familiar smell around me.
We had a good talk about what I want to do next year, and I'm still confused but I know I'm making the right decision to take a break for a while. Everything I've read says don't make serious decisions, especially not life changing ones. Nice meal in the pub, second one in a row! Not had to feed myself all weekend, win!
I think I've made more cups of tea this weekend than ever, my mum seriously has a tea problem! I love her though and have missed all of my family and extended family since I've been back at uni. I'm counting down the days til I can get back home and all my exams will be over! Stress free time starts soon :D
It was nice for a change to have a happy weekend, I've been too busy to get upset too much or to think too much! You have a happy blogger this evening!
Had a visit from Andrew's parents and sister on Saturday, which was lovely and I know they had been looking forward to it, so it was nice to be able to give them a happy day. Actually went shopping properly for the first time in months. I found myself being quite indecisive and not knowing what to buy, but I'm happy with the purchases I made and I'm sure my Andy would have been happy with them too. It brought back lots of happy memories; when he used to come and visit me whilst at uni last year we would always go into town and he would spoil me rotten! Lots of memories spent looking round the shops together, dreaming about things we could buy for our future house etc. It was nice having a day spent with people who wanted to talk about Andy and who were eager to hear my stories, rather than all the people who avoid the subject the rest of the time. I love talking about Andy and how wonderful he was, but I also like remembering the arguments too and all of the moments when he wasn't perfect. And I'm sure his family loved it too, they know their son wasn't always perfect, but he was also an amazing person too!
Today my mummy and daddy came to see me and brought lots and lots of cake with them, which makes my housemates very happy; they're currently munching away on various items. I've really missed my mum since I've been away because there are so many moments where I really need a mummy hug because there's nothing like one of those. Yesterday in House of Fraser I made a beeline in the perfume section to the one my mum wears just so I had that familiar smell around me.
We had a good talk about what I want to do next year, and I'm still confused but I know I'm making the right decision to take a break for a while. Everything I've read says don't make serious decisions, especially not life changing ones. Nice meal in the pub, second one in a row! Not had to feed myself all weekend, win!
I think I've made more cups of tea this weekend than ever, my mum seriously has a tea problem! I love her though and have missed all of my family and extended family since I've been back at uni. I'm counting down the days til I can get back home and all my exams will be over! Stress free time starts soon :D
It was nice for a change to have a happy weekend, I've been too busy to get upset too much or to think too much! You have a happy blogger this evening!
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