The Fundamental Difference

I've been thinking a lot this week, which isn't terribly unusual for a young woman in my situation. I have also been reading a lot, in particular books about women who have been widowed young. However, in all of the books I have read the women have actually been married and are hence actual widows, unlike myself.

There is one main, fundamental difference that I see between myself and these other women - the "widow's bed".

Now as you may know, because I go on about it a lot, but I am at university away from home. When me and Andrew met I had just finished my first year - I had loved the independence of being away from home for the first time and was eager to get back. I was also keen on my new relationship and we both wanted it to work whilst I was away. So for 10 weeks at a time we were in a long distance relationship. Thanks to the wonders of modern technology, its not too difficult to be in a long distance relationship in the 21st century - mobile phones, skype and superfast trains were the basis of our love. Not a day went by when I didn't receive some form of communication from my love, whether it be text messages, a phone call, an MSN conversation, skype, or the traditional face-to-face kind.

Andy would come up and visit me as often as possible and we would squash up together in my little single bed in my little house together. We were used to spending nights apart as we didn't often have the chance to sleep together - I was away from home, and whilst I was back home we lived in different towns with our respective parents. We treasured moments together, especially in my house at university because it was just us, no parents getting in the way or siblings or pets - when my bedroom door was closed we could have been anywhere in the world, just the two of us.

The last visit from Andy whilst I was away was a really good one. We spent a whole week together as he had the week off college and I could work around him easily. I also had a job interview in Leeds and he came all the way up with me so I didn't have to be on my own in a strange place. It was also the week of our 18 month anniversary. It was a good week looking back on it.

We had one more night together before he died, which was the weekend before my birthday, he stayed Saturday night so he would be around early on Sunday for my birthday party and to help set up. Little did I know then that he was not just suffering with an infection.

So back to my main point, the "widow's bed". I clearly didn't have that. Yes we had spent good times in my bed together, but it wasn't the same as for women who shared the same bed with their husbands every single night. I went to bed the night Andy died and I didn't miss him beside me, I missed getting a "night night" text message and cyber kisses. I woke up after a horrible night, not wanting to see him lying there beside me, because it was very rare to wake up beside each other in my bed at home. No I woke up expecting a message from him, to turn my phone on to a cheery good morning message, and I could phone him and tell him about the terrible dream I had that he had died and we would laugh at my craziness. Then I remembered it wasn't a dream and the tears started again.

I'm a different kind of widow and I feel like everything I do, I am doing for the first time ever, like no one else is in the same position as I am with how I'm feeling. I'm searching for a new word by which to refer to myself, widow feels like it should be left to the married women, but I need help to think of something good enough.

Thank you to everyone who reads this blog.