Here's something I've just come across online. Of all the widow self help guide's I've read, this is one of the best. Yes there are a lot of irrelevant points about what to do if you have children, but there are also a lot of things which I found helpful to read.
http://www.merrywidow.me.uk/downloads/guide.pdf
Its by a woman called Kate Boydell who's book "Big Hearted Man" I am currently reading.
Obviously this is the best guide until I bring out my own one, which will of course be better than anything ever written before! The actual website http://www.merrywidow.me.uk/ is also very good and has an online community. I'm not actually a member as its mainly people who were married, but hey it might help some people out!
Monday 30 May 2011
Sunday 29 May 2011
The Best Medicine
For anyone who is reading this blog and is unfortunate enough to be in the same or similar situation to myself, then I have a little word of advice. My advice is to spend as much time as possible with your closest friends. I just had a lovely visit from one of my best friends and it has done me the world of good. It was good having someone to talk to, to talk about things that you can't say to your family. It helps that my friend was also friends with Andy too, so we could talk about him easily too. We had a brilliant day, spending lots of money in our heads when we went out shopping, and then finished off the day with a trip to the cinema.
Yes there are some friends who may let you down and not act as you expected them too; but there are a lot of friends who can step up to the mark and be really brilliant in situations like mine. I am lucky to have some really good friends in my life (as well as a fantastic family + extended family) and I am thankful every day for them all. I'm looking forward to being able to go home in just over a week's time, to be back with my family and my friends and to just chill out for a little while and get my head sorted.
We hit the two month mark yesterday and I can honestly say that I am a different person to Louise from two months ago, and even from just one month a go. Its a horrible cliche and I'm completely fed up of hearing the cliches all the time, but it is true - time is a healer, and things do get better however hard it seems to go on. The first three months are tricky and I found out the other day that I will be ending my first three months of grief on either a high or a low - The 28th June is the day I find out my degree grade! I'm hoping for a high, and by the way things are going at the moment its looking like it will end that way. The university know about my situation and so will take everything into consideration, but I think I'm doing fine on my own - although I won't say no to some extra marks if they give them to me! This outlook shows how different I am from one month ago where I was terrified at the fact that I will fail my exams and end up with no degree and no future life in front of me - but now I feel differently! Just two more exams left to go and its over -11 days til home, not that I'm counting!!
Yes there are some friends who may let you down and not act as you expected them too; but there are a lot of friends who can step up to the mark and be really brilliant in situations like mine. I am lucky to have some really good friends in my life (as well as a fantastic family + extended family) and I am thankful every day for them all. I'm looking forward to being able to go home in just over a week's time, to be back with my family and my friends and to just chill out for a little while and get my head sorted.
We hit the two month mark yesterday and I can honestly say that I am a different person to Louise from two months ago, and even from just one month a go. Its a horrible cliche and I'm completely fed up of hearing the cliches all the time, but it is true - time is a healer, and things do get better however hard it seems to go on. The first three months are tricky and I found out the other day that I will be ending my first three months of grief on either a high or a low - The 28th June is the day I find out my degree grade! I'm hoping for a high, and by the way things are going at the moment its looking like it will end that way. The university know about my situation and so will take everything into consideration, but I think I'm doing fine on my own - although I won't say no to some extra marks if they give them to me! This outlook shows how different I am from one month ago where I was terrified at the fact that I will fail my exams and end up with no degree and no future life in front of me - but now I feel differently! Just two more exams left to go and its over -11 days til home, not that I'm counting!!
Friday 27 May 2011
Another One Bites The Dust
Woo! Just got out of my second exam - only two more left now, then its all over forever, no more exams ever!
Sitting an exam whilst grieving is a very odd experience; its the only time where I don't think about Andy because I have to be so focussed on my work that everything else leaves my mind. I feel slightly guilty when I'm not thinking about him, or when I'm having a good day, but its a feeling I know I'm going to have to get used to. Eventually the thoughts will fade, I know that, but for now I like to hold on to them and think of him at every possible moment so I don't forget anything.
To be honest, despite everything, I think I'm doing pretty well in my exams so far. On talking to other people, they all seemed not very confident about it, whereas I was happy with how it had gone. It makes me feel better because other people are struggling and they don't have half the problems that I do. I got the marks back for the essay I had to write at the beginning of term. Turned out I did really well, got 68% which was better than my mark on the first essay from the previous term. I was surprised because I didn't spend much time on it and I didn't put much effort in. Shows that I can still do it despite everything!
I'm very much looking forward to tomorrow (sat) as one of my best friends is coming up to visit me. Its a good day for her to come up as its two months tomorrow since he died, so we can find something to do to take my mind off of it. Think we're going to go to the cinema to see The Hangover Part 2 which I'm quite excited about!
So, almost two months on, things are starting to look up a bit. I've got less than two weeks left at university, I feel like I'm doing well on my exams, and I have some fantastic friends. I think I'm going to get through this!
Sitting an exam whilst grieving is a very odd experience; its the only time where I don't think about Andy because I have to be so focussed on my work that everything else leaves my mind. I feel slightly guilty when I'm not thinking about him, or when I'm having a good day, but its a feeling I know I'm going to have to get used to. Eventually the thoughts will fade, I know that, but for now I like to hold on to them and think of him at every possible moment so I don't forget anything.
To be honest, despite everything, I think I'm doing pretty well in my exams so far. On talking to other people, they all seemed not very confident about it, whereas I was happy with how it had gone. It makes me feel better because other people are struggling and they don't have half the problems that I do. I got the marks back for the essay I had to write at the beginning of term. Turned out I did really well, got 68% which was better than my mark on the first essay from the previous term. I was surprised because I didn't spend much time on it and I didn't put much effort in. Shows that I can still do it despite everything!
I'm very much looking forward to tomorrow (sat) as one of my best friends is coming up to visit me. Its a good day for her to come up as its two months tomorrow since he died, so we can find something to do to take my mind off of it. Think we're going to go to the cinema to see The Hangover Part 2 which I'm quite excited about!
So, almost two months on, things are starting to look up a bit. I've got less than two weeks left at university, I feel like I'm doing well on my exams, and I have some fantastic friends. I think I'm going to get through this!
Monday 23 May 2011
Exam Time
The weeks I've been dreading are finally here: yes, its exam time for me.
I had my first one today, which was Advanced Topics in Algorithms - sounds hard, but isn't too bad really, especially if you've done three years of studying algorithms like I have!! To be honest, I think I rocked it. I don't like to be too confident about exams because I don't like to disappoint myself, but I really feel that this went well. All the things I knew came up, and I answered all the questions that I had to answer. I couldn't have done any better. I even left the exam early, which I wanted to do anyway, because I don't like everyone discussing exams after they're done, plus I'm still not confident in large crowds of people. I spoke to a friend who also left early, and she said it went well for her too. I'm feeling a lot more confident about passing my exams now, and if the university wants to give me some extra marks on top of that, then it will be even better :D
Next exam isn't until Friday, so got plenty of time to revise for that, and some much needed time to relax this evening!
One last thing I'd like to say today is the weird phenomena with rain I've been experiencing lately. I'm probably thinking in to it too much, but I feel that Andrew is protecting me from the rain. Whenever I go outside and it looks like its going to rain, it always holds off until I'm inside. Its happened several times now, so I don't feel like its just a coincidence anymore - I can't remember the last time I was caught out in a rain storm. For example, today the weather has been terrible, I almost got blown away on my way on to campus for my exam. As soon as I was safely inside, it tipped it down with rain - so hard I could hear it from inside the building. But once I'd finished my exam and left the building, the rain had stopped and didn't rain on my journey home, despite thick black clouds in the sky.
Anyway, like I said, I'm probably thinking too much, but its nice to think that Andy is still out there and looking after me in the only way he can! Enough of my crazy ramblings for today I think!!
I had my first one today, which was Advanced Topics in Algorithms - sounds hard, but isn't too bad really, especially if you've done three years of studying algorithms like I have!! To be honest, I think I rocked it. I don't like to be too confident about exams because I don't like to disappoint myself, but I really feel that this went well. All the things I knew came up, and I answered all the questions that I had to answer. I couldn't have done any better. I even left the exam early, which I wanted to do anyway, because I don't like everyone discussing exams after they're done, plus I'm still not confident in large crowds of people. I spoke to a friend who also left early, and she said it went well for her too. I'm feeling a lot more confident about passing my exams now, and if the university wants to give me some extra marks on top of that, then it will be even better :D
Next exam isn't until Friday, so got plenty of time to revise for that, and some much needed time to relax this evening!
One last thing I'd like to say today is the weird phenomena with rain I've been experiencing lately. I'm probably thinking in to it too much, but I feel that Andrew is protecting me from the rain. Whenever I go outside and it looks like its going to rain, it always holds off until I'm inside. Its happened several times now, so I don't feel like its just a coincidence anymore - I can't remember the last time I was caught out in a rain storm. For example, today the weather has been terrible, I almost got blown away on my way on to campus for my exam. As soon as I was safely inside, it tipped it down with rain - so hard I could hear it from inside the building. But once I'd finished my exam and left the building, the rain had stopped and didn't rain on my journey home, despite thick black clouds in the sky.
Anyway, like I said, I'm probably thinking too much, but its nice to think that Andy is still out there and looking after me in the only way he can! Enough of my crazy ramblings for today I think!!
Friday 20 May 2011
Couples
So everything has been fine in my camp for the past few days, the tears have been calming down a lot. But then I was struck by something yesterday.
I was walking on to campus for a revision lecture and ended up stuck behind this loved-up couple who couldn't take two steps without stopping to kiss or gaze at each other. At first I thought "ugh, get a room", but then a little while later, I realised I was jealous of them. I miss being a couple. I don't think, or at least I hope not, that me and Andrew were that sickly together, but I miss having someone who wants to hold on to me all the time and stop for kisses. Going from being a "we" for 19 months to a "me" again is really daunting.
Confession time: I hadn't had a proper boyfriend before I met Andy. Shocking, I know! That's why our relationship was so special really. I'd been waiting 19 sad years, then I met Andy and that was it, that was the rest of my life sorted out. No one forgets their first love and I certainly won't be forgetting mine ever. Andy loved the fact that I was his and only his. Its probably why I fell so hard for him; he was the first person to tell me he loves me, and say that I'm beautiful, even when I didn't feel very beautiful. He truely loved me. And I loved him.
The thought of being with someone else in the future is terrifying. I recently read a book about a woman who was widowed at 23 and after three months she was out having one night stands all the time. I can't imagine acting like that. Its not in my nature to go out and pick up men, but also because I belong to Andy still. You are going to have to be bloody perfect to try and take me away from him. I'm sure my friends would never let me act like that anyway!!
One day, during one of his many visits up to see me at uni, we had a rather random conversation about what would the other do if one of us died suddenly. I remember telling him that if it was me that died, I would want him to move on because he couldn't be on his own forever. He said that he wouldn't want anyone else, and that if it was him that died, I should be on my own forever and just mourn him. No one else was allowed to have me. Looking back, I hope he was joking, because even though its miles and miles down the road, I can't see myself spending the rest of my life alone.
Maybe one day, but not today, or any day in the near future. No one could come close to my Andy. Still doesn't stop me missing being a couple though!
I was walking on to campus for a revision lecture and ended up stuck behind this loved-up couple who couldn't take two steps without stopping to kiss or gaze at each other. At first I thought "ugh, get a room", but then a little while later, I realised I was jealous of them. I miss being a couple. I don't think, or at least I hope not, that me and Andrew were that sickly together, but I miss having someone who wants to hold on to me all the time and stop for kisses. Going from being a "we" for 19 months to a "me" again is really daunting.
Confession time: I hadn't had a proper boyfriend before I met Andy. Shocking, I know! That's why our relationship was so special really. I'd been waiting 19 sad years, then I met Andy and that was it, that was the rest of my life sorted out. No one forgets their first love and I certainly won't be forgetting mine ever. Andy loved the fact that I was his and only his. Its probably why I fell so hard for him; he was the first person to tell me he loves me, and say that I'm beautiful, even when I didn't feel very beautiful. He truely loved me. And I loved him.
The thought of being with someone else in the future is terrifying. I recently read a book about a woman who was widowed at 23 and after three months she was out having one night stands all the time. I can't imagine acting like that. Its not in my nature to go out and pick up men, but also because I belong to Andy still. You are going to have to be bloody perfect to try and take me away from him. I'm sure my friends would never let me act like that anyway!!
One day, during one of his many visits up to see me at uni, we had a rather random conversation about what would the other do if one of us died suddenly. I remember telling him that if it was me that died, I would want him to move on because he couldn't be on his own forever. He said that he wouldn't want anyone else, and that if it was him that died, I should be on my own forever and just mourn him. No one else was allowed to have me. Looking back, I hope he was joking, because even though its miles and miles down the road, I can't see myself spending the rest of my life alone.
Maybe one day, but not today, or any day in the near future. No one could come close to my Andy. Still doesn't stop me missing being a couple though!
Tuesday 17 May 2011
A Counselling Session
So my email counsellor (yes I have an email counsellor, I get a reply once a week, its quite helpful) suggested I sign up for a workshop called When You Lose Someone You Love. I was a bit skeptical but I signed up for it as its a free service offered by the university and I might as well use all the resources I can.
I've just got back from this workshop and I'm in two minds about it. We were told not to talk about the other people at the session, but I don't know them and they don't know me so what the hell. I was under the impression that this would be a helpful workshop for bereaved people like me, and that was what the leader of the workshop thought too. But it turns out the other two girls at the workshop had just been dumped by their horrible boyfriends and couldn't get over it. There was only three of us at the session so I was the only person who had actually dealt with death.
It was a fairly awkward session, lots of silent moments and some language barriers (I was the only English one other than the leader). The leader of the session was quite strange, and although gave good advice and said good things, he had a strange way about him. He would start a sentence, then take a long breath and pause and then carry on with the rest of it. He had a very soft voice, and kept looking straight at me.
I couldn't get upset when the other girls were telling their stories. They were so upset at the fact that their boyfriends had dumped them, they wanted to forget everything and were angry at the men. It did however make me realise that I forgive Andrew for dying. The session leader told us a really good quote, which was "Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past". It really struck me because our past together was so good; we were so so happy. I seriously could not have asked for a happier 19 months; I had a man who treated me like a princess, he loved me so so much and would never have done anything to hurt me.
I am never angry with Andrew for dying. I'm often angry at the universe because its out of my control but I just have to do things with my life to make it better - raise money for charity, be proactive. There's no point in wasting time wishing for a cure for cancer, wishing won't bring back Andrew, but I can help so other people won't have to through what I've had to.
I've just got back from this workshop and I'm in two minds about it. We were told not to talk about the other people at the session, but I don't know them and they don't know me so what the hell. I was under the impression that this would be a helpful workshop for bereaved people like me, and that was what the leader of the workshop thought too. But it turns out the other two girls at the workshop had just been dumped by their horrible boyfriends and couldn't get over it. There was only three of us at the session so I was the only person who had actually dealt with death.
It was a fairly awkward session, lots of silent moments and some language barriers (I was the only English one other than the leader). The leader of the session was quite strange, and although gave good advice and said good things, he had a strange way about him. He would start a sentence, then take a long breath and pause and then carry on with the rest of it. He had a very soft voice, and kept looking straight at me.
I couldn't get upset when the other girls were telling their stories. They were so upset at the fact that their boyfriends had dumped them, they wanted to forget everything and were angry at the men. It did however make me realise that I forgive Andrew for dying. The session leader told us a really good quote, which was "Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past". It really struck me because our past together was so good; we were so so happy. I seriously could not have asked for a happier 19 months; I had a man who treated me like a princess, he loved me so so much and would never have done anything to hurt me.
I am never angry with Andrew for dying. I'm often angry at the universe because its out of my control but I just have to do things with my life to make it better - raise money for charity, be proactive. There's no point in wasting time wishing for a cure for cancer, wishing won't bring back Andrew, but I can help so other people won't have to through what I've had to.
Sunday 15 May 2011
A family filled weekend!
I've been a busy girl this weekend, busier than I've been for a long time actually - its a bit of a shock to my system actually and I'm now pretty tired!
Had a visit from Andrew's parents and sister on Saturday, which was lovely and I know they had been looking forward to it, so it was nice to be able to give them a happy day. Actually went shopping properly for the first time in months. I found myself being quite indecisive and not knowing what to buy, but I'm happy with the purchases I made and I'm sure my Andy would have been happy with them too. It brought back lots of happy memories; when he used to come and visit me whilst at uni last year we would always go into town and he would spoil me rotten! Lots of memories spent looking round the shops together, dreaming about things we could buy for our future house etc. It was nice having a day spent with people who wanted to talk about Andy and who were eager to hear my stories, rather than all the people who avoid the subject the rest of the time. I love talking about Andy and how wonderful he was, but I also like remembering the arguments too and all of the moments when he wasn't perfect. And I'm sure his family loved it too, they know their son wasn't always perfect, but he was also an amazing person too!
Today my mummy and daddy came to see me and brought lots and lots of cake with them, which makes my housemates very happy; they're currently munching away on various items. I've really missed my mum since I've been away because there are so many moments where I really need a mummy hug because there's nothing like one of those. Yesterday in House of Fraser I made a beeline in the perfume section to the one my mum wears just so I had that familiar smell around me.
We had a good talk about what I want to do next year, and I'm still confused but I know I'm making the right decision to take a break for a while. Everything I've read says don't make serious decisions, especially not life changing ones. Nice meal in the pub, second one in a row! Not had to feed myself all weekend, win!
I think I've made more cups of tea this weekend than ever, my mum seriously has a tea problem! I love her though and have missed all of my family and extended family since I've been back at uni. I'm counting down the days til I can get back home and all my exams will be over! Stress free time starts soon :D
It was nice for a change to have a happy weekend, I've been too busy to get upset too much or to think too much! You have a happy blogger this evening!
Had a visit from Andrew's parents and sister on Saturday, which was lovely and I know they had been looking forward to it, so it was nice to be able to give them a happy day. Actually went shopping properly for the first time in months. I found myself being quite indecisive and not knowing what to buy, but I'm happy with the purchases I made and I'm sure my Andy would have been happy with them too. It brought back lots of happy memories; when he used to come and visit me whilst at uni last year we would always go into town and he would spoil me rotten! Lots of memories spent looking round the shops together, dreaming about things we could buy for our future house etc. It was nice having a day spent with people who wanted to talk about Andy and who were eager to hear my stories, rather than all the people who avoid the subject the rest of the time. I love talking about Andy and how wonderful he was, but I also like remembering the arguments too and all of the moments when he wasn't perfect. And I'm sure his family loved it too, they know their son wasn't always perfect, but he was also an amazing person too!
Today my mummy and daddy came to see me and brought lots and lots of cake with them, which makes my housemates very happy; they're currently munching away on various items. I've really missed my mum since I've been away because there are so many moments where I really need a mummy hug because there's nothing like one of those. Yesterday in House of Fraser I made a beeline in the perfume section to the one my mum wears just so I had that familiar smell around me.
We had a good talk about what I want to do next year, and I'm still confused but I know I'm making the right decision to take a break for a while. Everything I've read says don't make serious decisions, especially not life changing ones. Nice meal in the pub, second one in a row! Not had to feed myself all weekend, win!
I think I've made more cups of tea this weekend than ever, my mum seriously has a tea problem! I love her though and have missed all of my family and extended family since I've been back at uni. I'm counting down the days til I can get back home and all my exams will be over! Stress free time starts soon :D
It was nice for a change to have a happy weekend, I've been too busy to get upset too much or to think too much! You have a happy blogger this evening!
Wednesday 11 May 2011
Bad Day
Yesterday was a bad day; as with all bad days, however, it started off quite well.
I had a careers meeting in the afternoon, I was looking forward to it. Lots of ideas have been going round in my head for what I could be doing once I finish uni and talking to an expert was really beneficial. I decided that I wasn't going to go for the interview that I had the offer for the other day, I've been thinking a lot and decided that I don't want to be an accountant, I never have wanted to be one. I was only applying because a) I don't know what else I want to do right now, b) my mum thinks that's what you do with a maths degree. Even if I did want to be an accountant my head is not in the right place to be making such permanent decisions. I'm glad that I don't have a job sorted out for next year already because I'm nowhere near being able to be in a stressful, competitive work environment. Being an accountant would mean another three years of exams and stress, and I don't want that.
The careers advisor I talked to agreed and said a year out would be really beneficial, especially if I get some temporary work to earn a bit of money and experience, and if I can implement some of my charity ideas. Its all things that boost a CV so its worth doing. We had a really good hour's chat, I even made the poor woman cry because of everything I've been through in the past few weeks.
So this part of my day was good. I then had to tell of this to my parents. I was dreading it because they seem convinced that I am going to get this super fabulous career and earn lots of money, because that's what you do with a maths degree from Warwick. They're also convinced I will walk out of university and have this great job straight away, unlikely. The bit about cancelling the interview went ok, it doesn't particularly make sense to be going for an interview when I'm meant to be revising hard for exams and finishing coursework. What upset me was that my parents didn't seem to understand why I need a year out, why I don't want to make any permanent career decisions right now. I talked to them (well through tears so might not have been understandable anyway) about wanting to look into becoming a teacher. My mum is convinced I should be doing something more with my life than being a teacher, but if it would make me happy then why shouldn't I?
This conversation went on for a little while longer. I had the standard bit about "well you'll have to get a job, because we want you to start earning money" etc. I totally understand I do actually want to be earning money I just don't want a stressful graduate job right now, I want something easy just to tide me over so I can get on with more important things.
I was emotionally drained when I got off the phone. I don't argue with my parents often and its even harder when I'm away from home because my mum ends up getting upset too. I went straight into my housemate's room and continued crying. He was good and found me a tub of Ben&Jerrys to devour. My dad then phoned me back and said that they're coming up to see me on Sunday to talk about everything properly. At least it gives me a few days to write out my year plan and explain everything to them face to face.
It might not seem like the worst day in the world, but everything escalates when you're not sleeping well and hormonal. I hate arguing with my parents, and I hate having to admit that I'm struggling because it makes them worry even more about me. I have to finish my exams so its not like I can just go back home, otherwise I won't even have a degree to help me find a job. I wish everything wasn't on top of me right now, I could really do with the time out, which is why I need my year out, or at least take a few months. I don't know how I'm going to feel. Thinking about a career isn't my priority right now but I feel its taking over because its causing so much drama.
I had a careers meeting in the afternoon, I was looking forward to it. Lots of ideas have been going round in my head for what I could be doing once I finish uni and talking to an expert was really beneficial. I decided that I wasn't going to go for the interview that I had the offer for the other day, I've been thinking a lot and decided that I don't want to be an accountant, I never have wanted to be one. I was only applying because a) I don't know what else I want to do right now, b) my mum thinks that's what you do with a maths degree. Even if I did want to be an accountant my head is not in the right place to be making such permanent decisions. I'm glad that I don't have a job sorted out for next year already because I'm nowhere near being able to be in a stressful, competitive work environment. Being an accountant would mean another three years of exams and stress, and I don't want that.
The careers advisor I talked to agreed and said a year out would be really beneficial, especially if I get some temporary work to earn a bit of money and experience, and if I can implement some of my charity ideas. Its all things that boost a CV so its worth doing. We had a really good hour's chat, I even made the poor woman cry because of everything I've been through in the past few weeks.
So this part of my day was good. I then had to tell of this to my parents. I was dreading it because they seem convinced that I am going to get this super fabulous career and earn lots of money, because that's what you do with a maths degree from Warwick. They're also convinced I will walk out of university and have this great job straight away, unlikely. The bit about cancelling the interview went ok, it doesn't particularly make sense to be going for an interview when I'm meant to be revising hard for exams and finishing coursework. What upset me was that my parents didn't seem to understand why I need a year out, why I don't want to make any permanent career decisions right now. I talked to them (well through tears so might not have been understandable anyway) about wanting to look into becoming a teacher. My mum is convinced I should be doing something more with my life than being a teacher, but if it would make me happy then why shouldn't I?
This conversation went on for a little while longer. I had the standard bit about "well you'll have to get a job, because we want you to start earning money" etc. I totally understand I do actually want to be earning money I just don't want a stressful graduate job right now, I want something easy just to tide me over so I can get on with more important things.
I was emotionally drained when I got off the phone. I don't argue with my parents often and its even harder when I'm away from home because my mum ends up getting upset too. I went straight into my housemate's room and continued crying. He was good and found me a tub of Ben&Jerrys to devour. My dad then phoned me back and said that they're coming up to see me on Sunday to talk about everything properly. At least it gives me a few days to write out my year plan and explain everything to them face to face.
It might not seem like the worst day in the world, but everything escalates when you're not sleeping well and hormonal. I hate arguing with my parents, and I hate having to admit that I'm struggling because it makes them worry even more about me. I have to finish my exams so its not like I can just go back home, otherwise I won't even have a degree to help me find a job. I wish everything wasn't on top of me right now, I could really do with the time out, which is why I need my year out, or at least take a few months. I don't know how I'm going to feel. Thinking about a career isn't my priority right now but I feel its taking over because its causing so much drama.
Monday 9 May 2011
Sleepless in Coventry
Lack of sleep is slowly killing inside. Every night when I go to bed my head gets full of thoughts, not just of Andrew, but of everything else that's happening too - exams, unwanted people in the house, job interviews. I'm in a routine of writing a diary entry every night and I tell Andrew about my day and everything that I wanted to tell him all day, keep him up to date with football scores and other various things. Sometimes I get upset but others I don't, depends on what mood I'm in really. It helps me get some of the thoughts out of my head, but I'm still struggling to sleep.
I know the reason why I didn't sleep well last night was; there was a moth in my room. It was the kind of moth that seemed indestructible - I hit it with my slipper several times but it kept fluttering around my room. I decided I would just ignore it and try and get to sleep. The only reason why I don't like moths is because my sister is terrified of them and if there's one anywhere near her it has to go. I then realised that the moth couldn't hurt me and I'm not actually afraid of them, so I managed to get some sleep in the end, which was good. I had a James and the Giant Peach "I'm not afraid of you" moment (I hope people get this reference...).
I've tried taking some herbal sleeping tablets but they did bugger all - think in fact they made the problem worse because I started thinking to myself that "I should be asleep by now, why aren't these pills working" etc. They were only herbal, so I suppose there's still the option of trying some proper medicinal ones, and eventually seeing a GP about the problem, but I don't particularly want to get hooked on sleeping tablets. Or have to admit that I'm struggling.
I think my problem is that I think too much. Plus when I get an idea in my head I have to do something about it for it to go away so I can stop thinking about it. There's a big notebook beside my bed which I've just filled with all the random thoughts and questions that enter my head all the time. You can probably map my stages of grief through it actually.
When I'm at home I always get up early because everyone else gets up. My mum doesn't understand the concept of a lie in, she's always up getting on with housework or something. But it gets me into a good routine and is probably why my sleeping was fine at home but not so great at uni. I've slipped back into the student routine, which is late to bed and last up in the morning. I tried to fight it, I go up to bed relatively early, set alarms, but because no one else in my house gets up early its so quiet, even at 8 or 9 in the morning. So I end up going back to sleep for a little while longer, make up for the sleep I lost the previous night.
So the sleeplessness could be my own fault, but I think its a mixture of my crazy thoughts and poor routine to be honest. Oh well, less than a month and I'll be back home again, complaining about being awake so early!
I know the reason why I didn't sleep well last night was; there was a moth in my room. It was the kind of moth that seemed indestructible - I hit it with my slipper several times but it kept fluttering around my room. I decided I would just ignore it and try and get to sleep. The only reason why I don't like moths is because my sister is terrified of them and if there's one anywhere near her it has to go. I then realised that the moth couldn't hurt me and I'm not actually afraid of them, so I managed to get some sleep in the end, which was good. I had a James and the Giant Peach "I'm not afraid of you" moment (I hope people get this reference...).
I've tried taking some herbal sleeping tablets but they did bugger all - think in fact they made the problem worse because I started thinking to myself that "I should be asleep by now, why aren't these pills working" etc. They were only herbal, so I suppose there's still the option of trying some proper medicinal ones, and eventually seeing a GP about the problem, but I don't particularly want to get hooked on sleeping tablets. Or have to admit that I'm struggling.
I think my problem is that I think too much. Plus when I get an idea in my head I have to do something about it for it to go away so I can stop thinking about it. There's a big notebook beside my bed which I've just filled with all the random thoughts and questions that enter my head all the time. You can probably map my stages of grief through it actually.
When I'm at home I always get up early because everyone else gets up. My mum doesn't understand the concept of a lie in, she's always up getting on with housework or something. But it gets me into a good routine and is probably why my sleeping was fine at home but not so great at uni. I've slipped back into the student routine, which is late to bed and last up in the morning. I tried to fight it, I go up to bed relatively early, set alarms, but because no one else in my house gets up early its so quiet, even at 8 or 9 in the morning. So I end up going back to sleep for a little while longer, make up for the sleep I lost the previous night.
So the sleeplessness could be my own fault, but I think its a mixture of my crazy thoughts and poor routine to be honest. Oh well, less than a month and I'll be back home again, complaining about being awake so early!
Saturday 7 May 2011
Other People
Understandably people don't know what to say to me. Some people are good, they know all I need is a hug, a distraction, a friendly face showing they care. Others ignore me, ignore the issue. It hurts being ignored by people I used to be close to. I hate the awkward silences, the moments where I'm obviously upset but am ignored. Finally there are people who don't understand, they do things that upset me, not on purpose I hope, but are things that will set me off.
For example, my housemate. He wasn't in the house when I moved back to university, so wasn't there for my dad to talk to as he did with the others. When he did arrive, it was awkward, he didn't mention it at all and hasn't said anything, even two weeks later. Luckily he spends all day out so I have quiet time during the day to get on with work and not have any awkward moments. Today however has really hit me hard; like me he is also a long way from where his partner lives and so they also like to spend weekends together, as me and Andrew often did. They were really happy times, just us together, no parents getting in the way; we could do what we wanted. I've been dreading it happening, but today it did, his girlfriend is here for the weekend. I at least hoped he would have the decency to ask me before hand, rather than just turn up with her. It hurts because it reminds me of all the times with my Andy and also those moments we will never get to have again. I loved our weekends, they always made up for the painful weeks spent apart missing each other.
I don't think I'm going to be able to see them together, its too much to see. It should be me and And cuddled up on the sofa together, casually watching TV, enjoying being together. How am I supposed to feel happy for other people? My other housemate understands; I had a word with his after they arrived and he understood completely.
I feel like screaming at my housemate, I want to shout, I want him to know how I feel and to try and imagine just for a second what it would be like to see another couple together. Its all building up and I feel I should talk to him but I can never find the words or opportunity. I hate confrontations, I always have done; I hate people knowing how I feel, I just tend to get on with everything, anger silently building inside me, with the occasional bitch to other friends. I know I shouldn't let it happen, but it just does because I'm that sort of person.
I wish I could just hand out leaflets to every person I meet. One that explains my situation, what you should and shouldn't do around me - do mention Andrew, do give me a hug if it looks like I need one, don't just ignore me, don't just ignore this issue, think before you act.
The grief is not the only thing you have to handle when someone dies; I wish it was. No there's also people - there's a small majority who are just inconsiderate, and those are the ones who make it hard.
Sorry, whoever is reading this, that its a very ranty post, but at least I have an outlet like this, with anonymous readers to vent into. Anyone in the same situation, I would recommend blogging 100%, it really helps a lot!
Thursday 5 May 2011
Jobs Continued
So maybe there is hope for me just yet; I had a really bad day the other day, but things got better yesterday. Not getting the job really knocked me back, I was an absolute mess all day and night; I found myself pleading for something good because everything else is just crap right now. The following day, completely out of the blue, a company I had previously applied to and got a polite "we've already hired our staff for the year, but will keep your CV on file" email back from, emailed me again saying they had another position available and wanted me to go for an interview.
To be honest I was in shock; I sat there staring at it for several minutes, unsure of whether it was real or not. The only thing the email was missing was a little note at the bottom from Andrew telling to keep going and life isn't as bad as I think it is. I just felt like all my pleading from the previous night, the tears, the lack of sleep, it had obviously got through and I got my good thing that I wanted. Yes, I would have preferred it if my lottery ticket had been a winner, but hey its better than nothing. Its only an interview but its the boost I really needed, and I have something to focus on now.
Although I do have this interview for an accountants job, I have been thinking a lot about what I want to do with my life. I'm not sure if I want to be stuck behind a desk all of my life; I want to travel, do something I'm passionate about etc. My best friend, who has been reading my blog because she's a stalker, told me she agreed with my comment about being a teacher. She's known me the longest out of everyone I know so she's the best judge of what I should and shouldn't do with my life. Its something I'm seriously considering. If nothing comes of this interview I have then I can look at what I need for a successful application on to a teaching course. They're always crying out for maths teachers, and I think I would be good at it. I'm not sure how many people knew, but Andy told me that he had wanted to be a teacher (if he couldn't be a professional footballer or golfer), unfortunately the world got in the way. He also wanted to go on the Apprentice, but I don't think I can live that one for him!
With regards to my interview, I'm not sure whether or not to tell them my situation. I emailed the guy back straight away and decided I wouldn't say anything, but its sure to come up. I tried looking online for help but there's isn't really much good advice out there for someone in my unique situation. I couldn't find the words to say it either; I should never have to admit that my degree classification might not be that good because I'm grieving after the sudden death of my boyfriend.
I'm slightly worried about depression. I was looking up for things that might help me sleep better (herbal remedies don't work) and I clicked a link to depression and took a quiz. It told me I was high risk of being depressed, but I don't believe it. Yes I do feel sad quite often, and my appetite is lower than usual, and I do struggle to sleep, but that's not necessarily depression, its just grief. Its true what they say, there are good days and bad days, I'm just hoping the good starts to outweigh the bad soon.
To be honest I was in shock; I sat there staring at it for several minutes, unsure of whether it was real or not. The only thing the email was missing was a little note at the bottom from Andrew telling to keep going and life isn't as bad as I think it is. I just felt like all my pleading from the previous night, the tears, the lack of sleep, it had obviously got through and I got my good thing that I wanted. Yes, I would have preferred it if my lottery ticket had been a winner, but hey its better than nothing. Its only an interview but its the boost I really needed, and I have something to focus on now.
Although I do have this interview for an accountants job, I have been thinking a lot about what I want to do with my life. I'm not sure if I want to be stuck behind a desk all of my life; I want to travel, do something I'm passionate about etc. My best friend, who has been reading my blog because she's a stalker, told me she agreed with my comment about being a teacher. She's known me the longest out of everyone I know so she's the best judge of what I should and shouldn't do with my life. Its something I'm seriously considering. If nothing comes of this interview I have then I can look at what I need for a successful application on to a teaching course. They're always crying out for maths teachers, and I think I would be good at it. I'm not sure how many people knew, but Andy told me that he had wanted to be a teacher (if he couldn't be a professional footballer or golfer), unfortunately the world got in the way. He also wanted to go on the Apprentice, but I don't think I can live that one for him!
With regards to my interview, I'm not sure whether or not to tell them my situation. I emailed the guy back straight away and decided I wouldn't say anything, but its sure to come up. I tried looking online for help but there's isn't really much good advice out there for someone in my unique situation. I couldn't find the words to say it either; I should never have to admit that my degree classification might not be that good because I'm grieving after the sudden death of my boyfriend.
I'm slightly worried about depression. I was looking up for things that might help me sleep better (herbal remedies don't work) and I clicked a link to depression and took a quiz. It told me I was high risk of being depressed, but I don't believe it. Yes I do feel sad quite often, and my appetite is lower than usual, and I do struggle to sleep, but that's not necessarily depression, its just grief. Its true what they say, there are good days and bad days, I'm just hoping the good starts to outweigh the bad soon.
Tuesday 3 May 2011
Jobs
A question I'm always asked is "What are you going to do when you finish university?" I've never known the answer to that. My aim in life was to go to a top university, but after that it's just blank. Secretly all I ever wanted was to get married and have children, even before meeting Andrew. To do all of that though you need a good job to be able to afford the lifestyle. So as I'm in my final year I've been applying for jobs all year. The last job application standing just turned me down.
Rejection from jobs hurts a lot, especially when you're through to the final round. I am happy I didn't get it, it means I can have the break I need, a chance to collect my thoughts and find out what I really want to do. My parents are happy too because it means they can look after me for a bit longer, rather than moving away for a job. The reason why I got upset when I opened the email saying I didn't get it wasn't because I had my heart set on the job, but every time I had previously had a rejection I had an Andy to phone and talk to. He quite often had me in tears on the phone, upset over not getting a job that I didn't really want anyway. He always knew the right things to say to me, could cheer me up instantly and was always willing to give me comforting cuddles. He was so proud of me for everything I did, one of the last things we talked about was that I had got through to the final interview for Ocado and he was so happy for me. I wanted to do it for him, but maybe I didn't want it enough because secretly I know I don't want to be sent out to work straight away. He would have been proud of me whatever I did, and happy that I wouldn't be moving away from him again.
When I was younger I always wanted to be a teacher and its always been something at the back of my head that I want to do. I can't see myself being happy as an investment banker or an accountant, or sat behind a desk everyday of my working life. I want to do something where I can make a difference, something rewarding, preferably something easy, but that's not always possible. My other idea is that I've always loved baking and am famed for my brilliant cakes, so setting up a cake shop would be fantastic. But without any money its just a dream - still hoping for that massive lottery win!
As said in my previous post, I believe everything happens for a reason, so the dream job is still out there, I just need to be patient and keep working at it. At least now I don't have a goal to reach with my degree otherwise I would be out of a job! Trip to the job centre in the summer is in order!
Monday 2 May 2011
Questioning Beliefs
So out of all the crap that's happened these past few weeks, I suppose I've got a few things out of it. I appreciate the things I have and all of the good times I had with Andy, I now know who my real friends are, and I'm questioning everything I believe in.
I'm not a religious person, never have been. It seems illogical for me that there would exist a god; there's no evidence apart from faces in toasted sandwiches, and it doesn't make sense that there's a greater being watching over us all. I do believe in karma to a certain extent; my main mantra being that everything happens for a reason. For example when I was in year 6 at school, I failed the 11+ and had to stay another two years at my middle school before passing the 13+ and going on to the local grammar school. If I hadn't have stayed at Danley I would never have realised that I enjoy mathematics, wouldn't have sat a maths GCSE in year 8. I would have been a different person if I'd gone to Highsted from year 7 and I'm thankful that I didn't. Lots of things like this has happened to me over the years which has made me believe that everything does happen for a reason. You are supposed to meet the important people in your life and the bad things will lead to good things eventually.
When Andrew died I couldn't see the reason. We were happy together, he was healthy (other than a severe throat infection), he had been so brave in the past to get over cancer; why should it end now? In the days following his death, everything seemed unreasonable, what could possibly be the reason for this to happen? A few days later the postmortem results came back, and it turned out it was the cancer that had returned. Although this was terrible news, it also gave me the reason I needed. Andy didn't know that the cancer had come back, he died before he could find out, before he would have had to say a painful goodbye to us all. It would have broken his heart to have to tell me that it was back. He wouldn't have survived it, the last treatment he'd had as a teenager was a last chance kind of thing, if it came back there would be nothing they could do. I'm thankful because if he'd gone to the hospital just a few days earlier, they would have found out, the words would have to be said.
Its not the best reason in the world, but at least its there. My belief was restored. I still however find it impossible to believe in a god that would let cancer take anyone it wants from this world. It always seems to be the good people that get it; the smokers, drinkers, drug users seem to be able to get away with it. Why take a healthy young lad who had his whole life in front of him?
The other thing I question is what happens after death. Ask me a few years ago and I would say "When you're dead, you're dead, that's it". No afterlife, no ghosts, no spirit world. So why now do I find myself talking to a person who doesn't exist anymore? Everyday I ask him to help me through my day, as if he's a spirit following me round everywhere I go. I wish I had the answers; I wish I knew that death was ok and he's up in the massive golf course in the sky, hitting holes in one with every shot, occasionally doing some puppet work for me on Earth to make my life easier.
If there is such a thing as karma, and if my past experiences are anything to go by, then maybe there's something good coming my way. Maybe Andrew wasn't my "One", although I'm sure I was his. Maybe I've still got it all to come in my life however hard it will be moving on. I can't imagine anyone being better than my Andy but maybe its coming. Or maybe a big lottery win, which would be incredibly good right now!
Given the choice I'd still trade it all in to have him back.
I'm not a religious person, never have been. It seems illogical for me that there would exist a god; there's no evidence apart from faces in toasted sandwiches, and it doesn't make sense that there's a greater being watching over us all. I do believe in karma to a certain extent; my main mantra being that everything happens for a reason. For example when I was in year 6 at school, I failed the 11+ and had to stay another two years at my middle school before passing the 13+ and going on to the local grammar school. If I hadn't have stayed at Danley I would never have realised that I enjoy mathematics, wouldn't have sat a maths GCSE in year 8. I would have been a different person if I'd gone to Highsted from year 7 and I'm thankful that I didn't. Lots of things like this has happened to me over the years which has made me believe that everything does happen for a reason. You are supposed to meet the important people in your life and the bad things will lead to good things eventually.
When Andrew died I couldn't see the reason. We were happy together, he was healthy (other than a severe throat infection), he had been so brave in the past to get over cancer; why should it end now? In the days following his death, everything seemed unreasonable, what could possibly be the reason for this to happen? A few days later the postmortem results came back, and it turned out it was the cancer that had returned. Although this was terrible news, it also gave me the reason I needed. Andy didn't know that the cancer had come back, he died before he could find out, before he would have had to say a painful goodbye to us all. It would have broken his heart to have to tell me that it was back. He wouldn't have survived it, the last treatment he'd had as a teenager was a last chance kind of thing, if it came back there would be nothing they could do. I'm thankful because if he'd gone to the hospital just a few days earlier, they would have found out, the words would have to be said.
Its not the best reason in the world, but at least its there. My belief was restored. I still however find it impossible to believe in a god that would let cancer take anyone it wants from this world. It always seems to be the good people that get it; the smokers, drinkers, drug users seem to be able to get away with it. Why take a healthy young lad who had his whole life in front of him?
The other thing I question is what happens after death. Ask me a few years ago and I would say "When you're dead, you're dead, that's it". No afterlife, no ghosts, no spirit world. So why now do I find myself talking to a person who doesn't exist anymore? Everyday I ask him to help me through my day, as if he's a spirit following me round everywhere I go. I wish I had the answers; I wish I knew that death was ok and he's up in the massive golf course in the sky, hitting holes in one with every shot, occasionally doing some puppet work for me on Earth to make my life easier.
If there is such a thing as karma, and if my past experiences are anything to go by, then maybe there's something good coming my way. Maybe Andrew wasn't my "One", although I'm sure I was his. Maybe I've still got it all to come in my life however hard it will be moving on. I can't imagine anyone being better than my Andy but maybe its coming. Or maybe a big lottery win, which would be incredibly good right now!
Given the choice I'd still trade it all in to have him back.
Sunday 1 May 2011
Tissues and Waterproof Mascara
Its been over a month now and I'm not afraid to admit that I cry pretty much every day. I do however know how good my waterproof mascara is now! It even survived the day of the funeral, which was a very intense day. A little rule I have at the moment is to always know where the nearest tissues are. I think its hard for people to understand that sometimes I do feel very sad, moments where I miss him so much and can't get it out of my head that he's gone.
If I was to see a counsellor, something I am still considering, I think they would tell me I'm still in shock. I would agree actually. It was a massive shock when he died because it was so sudden. No one would expect the phone call that I got that evening telling me he was in the hospital and might not make it. At first I could barely move; my legs shook as I walked, I couldn't stomach any food, my brain couldn't focus on anything, and of course my eyes kept filling up with tears.. I spent several days on the sofa, not bothering to get dressed, watching silly films with my sister. My sister can't stand to see anyone upset so she does everything possible to try and cheer them up, she's been my rock.
Knowing Andy is gone forever doesn't get any easier to come to terms with. I sometimes look at pictures and see a different person smiling back at me; a girl who has no idea what is coming to her, so happy and carefree. That thought upsets me, would he recognise the person I am now, just a month later?
Another thing is that everything reminds me of him. Coming back to university was the hardest, my room is full of stuff and memories. So many happy times when he used to come up to see me, buying me presents and spoiling me. I didn't want to leave home, another place constantly reminding me of him, and also the place where his ashes are buried and his family live. It was tough but I have to finish university as there's only my final exams left to sit. I've done my first one and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be! I would have loved to have been able to stay at home, but that's not going to do me any good. I definitely made sure I brought lots of tissues back with me.
Funerals are always tough, but when its yous partner and your both very young and very much in love, it even worse. I got through it with the help of my family and friends and I can't thank them enough for how brilliant they've all been. I've also found wonderful support in the Macmillian cancer support website, with lovely messages and support. Its all about people at the moment and they're getting me through it one day at a time!
If I was to see a counsellor, something I am still considering, I think they would tell me I'm still in shock. I would agree actually. It was a massive shock when he died because it was so sudden. No one would expect the phone call that I got that evening telling me he was in the hospital and might not make it. At first I could barely move; my legs shook as I walked, I couldn't stomach any food, my brain couldn't focus on anything, and of course my eyes kept filling up with tears.. I spent several days on the sofa, not bothering to get dressed, watching silly films with my sister. My sister can't stand to see anyone upset so she does everything possible to try and cheer them up, she's been my rock.
Knowing Andy is gone forever doesn't get any easier to come to terms with. I sometimes look at pictures and see a different person smiling back at me; a girl who has no idea what is coming to her, so happy and carefree. That thought upsets me, would he recognise the person I am now, just a month later?
Another thing is that everything reminds me of him. Coming back to university was the hardest, my room is full of stuff and memories. So many happy times when he used to come up to see me, buying me presents and spoiling me. I didn't want to leave home, another place constantly reminding me of him, and also the place where his ashes are buried and his family live. It was tough but I have to finish university as there's only my final exams left to sit. I've done my first one and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be! I would have loved to have been able to stay at home, but that's not going to do me any good. I definitely made sure I brought lots of tissues back with me.
Funerals are always tough, but when its yous partner and your both very young and very much in love, it even worse. I got through it with the help of my family and friends and I can't thank them enough for how brilliant they've all been. I've also found wonderful support in the Macmillian cancer support website, with lovely messages and support. Its all about people at the moment and they're getting me through it one day at a time!
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