A Counselling Session

So my email counsellor (yes I have an email counsellor, I get a reply once a week, its quite helpful) suggested I sign up for a workshop called When You Lose Someone You Love. I was a bit skeptical but I signed up for it as its a free service offered by the university and I might as well use all the resources I can.

I've just got back from this workshop and I'm in two minds about it. We were told not to talk about the other people at the session, but I don't know them and they don't know me so what the hell. I was under the impression that this would be a helpful workshop for bereaved people like me, and that was what the leader of the workshop thought too. But it turns out the other two girls at the workshop had just been dumped by their horrible boyfriends and couldn't get over it. There was only three of us at the session so I was the only person who had actually dealt with death.

It was a fairly awkward session, lots of silent moments and some language barriers (I was the only English one other than the leader). The leader of the session was quite strange, and although gave good advice and said good things, he had a strange way about him. He would start a sentence, then take a long breath and pause and then carry on with the rest of it. He had a very soft voice, and kept looking straight at me.

I couldn't get upset when the other girls were telling their stories. They were so upset at the fact that their boyfriends had dumped them, they wanted to forget everything and were angry at the men. It did however make me realise that I forgive Andrew for dying. The session leader told us a really good quote, which was "Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past". It really struck me because our past together was so good; we were so so happy. I seriously could not have asked for a happier 19 months; I had a man who treated me like a princess, he loved me so so much and would never have done anything to hurt me.

I am never angry with Andrew for dying. I'm often angry at the universe because its out of my control but I just have to do things with my life to make it better - raise money for charity, be proactive. There's no point in wasting time wishing for a cure for cancer, wishing won't bring back Andrew, but I can help so other people won't have to through what I've had to.