Other People

Understandably people don't know what to say to me. Some people are good, they know all I need is a hug, a distraction, a friendly face showing they care. Others ignore me, ignore the issue. It hurts being ignored by people I used to be close to. I hate the awkward silences, the moments where I'm obviously upset but am ignored. Finally there are people who don't understand, they do things that upset me, not on purpose I hope, but are things that will set me off. 

For example, my housemate. He wasn't in the house when I moved back to university, so wasn't there for my dad to talk to as he did with the others. When he did arrive, it was awkward, he didn't mention it at all and hasn't said anything, even two weeks later. Luckily he spends all day out so I have quiet time during the day to get on with work and not have any awkward moments. Today however has really hit me hard; like me he is also a long way from where his partner lives and so they also like to spend weekends together, as me and Andrew often did. They were really happy times, just us together, no parents getting in the way; we could do what we wanted. I've been dreading it happening, but today it did, his girlfriend is here for the weekend. I at least hoped he would have the decency to ask me before hand, rather than just turn up with her. It hurts because it reminds me of all the times with my Andy and also those moments we will never get to have again. I loved our weekends, they always made up for the painful weeks spent apart missing each other. 

I don't think I'm going to be able to see them together, its too much to see. It should be me and And cuddled up on the sofa together, casually watching TV, enjoying being together. How am I supposed to feel happy for other people? My other housemate understands; I had a word with his after they arrived and he understood completely. 

I feel like screaming at my housemate, I want to shout, I want him to know how I feel and to try and imagine just for a second what it would be like to see another couple together. Its all building up and I feel I should talk to him but I can never find the words or opportunity. I hate confrontations, I always have done; I hate people knowing how I feel, I just tend to get on with everything, anger silently building inside me, with the occasional bitch to other friends. I know I shouldn't let it happen, but it just does because I'm that sort of person. 

I wish I could just hand out leaflets to every person I meet. One that explains my situation, what you should and shouldn't do around me - do mention Andrew, do give me a hug if it looks like I need one, don't just ignore me, don't just ignore this issue, think before you act. 

The grief is not the only thing you have to handle when someone dies; I wish it was. No there's also people - there's a small majority who are just inconsiderate, and those are the ones who make it hard. 

Sorry, whoever is reading this, that its a very ranty post, but at least I have an outlet like this, with anonymous readers to vent into. Anyone in the same situation, I would recommend blogging 100%, it really helps a lot!