Tissues and Waterproof Mascara

Its been over a month now and I'm not afraid to admit that I cry pretty much every day. I do however know how good my waterproof mascara is now! It even survived the day of the funeral, which was a very intense day. A little rule I have at the moment is to always know where the nearest tissues are. I think its hard for people to understand that sometimes I do feel very sad, moments where I miss him so much and can't get it out of my head that he's gone.

If I was to see a counsellor, something I am still considering, I think they would tell me I'm still in shock. I would agree actually. It was a massive shock when he died because it was so sudden. No one would expect the phone call that I got that evening telling me he was in the hospital and might not make it. At first I could barely move; my legs shook as I walked, I couldn't stomach any food, my brain couldn't focus on anything, and of course my eyes kept filling up with tears.. I spent several days on the sofa, not bothering to get dressed, watching silly films with my sister. My sister can't stand to see anyone upset so she does everything possible to try and cheer them up, she's been my rock.

Knowing Andy is gone forever doesn't get any easier to come to terms with. I sometimes look at pictures and see a different person smiling back at me; a girl who has no idea what is coming to her, so happy and carefree. That thought upsets me, would he recognise the person I am now, just a month later?

Another thing is that everything reminds me of him. Coming back to university was the hardest, my room is full of stuff and memories. So many happy times when he used to come up to see me, buying me presents and spoiling me. I didn't want to leave home, another place constantly reminding me of him, and also  the place where his ashes are buried and his family live. It was tough but I have to finish university as there's only my final exams left to sit. I've done my first one and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be! I would have loved to have been able to stay at home, but that's not going to do me any good. I definitely made sure I brought lots of tissues back with me.

Funerals are always tough, but when its yous partner and your both very young and very much in love, it even worse. I got through it with the help of my family and friends and I can't thank them enough for how brilliant they've all been. I've also found wonderful support in the Macmillian cancer support website, with lovely messages and support. Its all about people at the moment and they're getting me through it one day at a time!