Couples

So everything has been fine in my camp for the past few days, the tears have been calming down a lot. But then I was struck by something yesterday.

I was walking on to campus for a revision lecture and ended up stuck behind this loved-up couple who couldn't take two steps without stopping to kiss or gaze at each other. At first I thought "ugh, get a room", but then a little while later, I realised I was jealous of them. I miss being a couple. I don't think, or at least I hope not, that me and Andrew were that sickly together, but I miss having someone who wants to hold on to me all the time and stop for kisses. Going from being a "we" for 19 months to a "me" again is really daunting.

Confession time: I hadn't had a proper boyfriend before I met Andy. Shocking, I know! That's why our relationship was so special really. I'd been waiting 19 sad years, then I met Andy and that was it, that was the rest of my life sorted out. No one forgets their first love and I certainly won't be forgetting mine ever. Andy loved the fact that I was his and only his. Its probably why I fell so hard for him; he was the first person to tell me he loves me, and say that I'm beautiful, even when I didn't feel very beautiful. He truely loved me. And I loved him.

The thought of being with someone else in the future is terrifying. I recently read a book about a woman who was widowed at 23 and after three months she was out having one night stands all the time. I can't imagine acting like that. Its not in my nature to go out and pick up men, but also because I belong to Andy still. You are going to have to be bloody perfect to try and take me away from him. I'm sure my friends would never let me act like that anyway!!

One day, during one of his many visits up to see me at uni, we had a rather random conversation about what would the other do if one of us died suddenly. I remember telling him that if it was me that died, I would want him to move on because he couldn't be on his own forever. He said that he wouldn't want anyone else, and that if it was him that died, I should be on my own forever and just mourn him. No one else was allowed to have me. Looking back, I hope he was joking, because even though its miles and miles down the road, I can't see myself spending the rest of my life alone.

Maybe one day, but not today, or any day in the near future. No one could come close to my Andy. Still doesn't stop me missing being a couple though!