Questioning Beliefs

So out of all the crap that's happened these past few weeks, I suppose I've got a few things out of it. I appreciate the things I have and all of the good times I had with Andy, I now know who my real friends are, and I'm questioning everything I believe in.

I'm not a religious person, never have been. It seems illogical for me that there would exist a god; there's no evidence apart from faces in toasted sandwiches, and it doesn't make sense that there's a greater being watching over us all. I do believe in karma to a certain extent; my main mantra being that everything happens for a reason. For example when I was in year 6 at school, I failed the 11+ and had to stay another two years at my middle school before passing the 13+ and going on to the local grammar school. If I hadn't have stayed at Danley I would never have realised that I enjoy mathematics, wouldn't have sat a maths GCSE in year 8. I would have been a different person if I'd gone to Highsted from year 7 and I'm thankful that I didn't. Lots of things like this has happened to me over the years which has made me believe that everything does happen for a reason. You are supposed to meet the important people in your life and the bad things will lead to good things eventually.

When Andrew died I couldn't see the reason. We were happy together, he was healthy (other than a severe throat infection), he had been so brave in the past to get over cancer; why should it end now? In the days following his death, everything seemed unreasonable, what could possibly be the reason for this to happen? A few days later the postmortem results came back, and it turned out it was the cancer that had returned. Although this was terrible news, it also gave me the reason I needed. Andy didn't know that the cancer had come back, he died before he could find out, before he would have had to say a painful goodbye to us all. It would have broken his heart to have to tell me that it was back. He wouldn't have survived it, the last treatment he'd had as a teenager was a last chance kind of thing, if it came back there would be nothing they could do. I'm thankful because if he'd gone to the hospital just a few days earlier, they would have found out, the words would have to be said.

Its not the best reason in the world, but at least its there. My belief was restored. I still however find it impossible to believe in a god that would let cancer take anyone it wants from this world. It always seems to be the good people that get it; the smokers, drinkers, drug users seem to be able to get away with it. Why take a healthy young lad who had his whole life in front of him?

The other thing I question is what happens after death. Ask me a few years ago and I would say "When you're dead, you're dead, that's it". No afterlife, no ghosts, no spirit world. So why now do I find myself talking to a person who doesn't exist anymore? Everyday I ask him to help me through my day, as if he's a spirit following me round everywhere I go. I wish I had the answers; I wish I knew that death was ok and he's up in the massive golf course in the sky, hitting holes in one with every shot, occasionally doing some puppet work for me on Earth to make my life easier.

If there is such a thing as karma, and if my past experiences are anything to go by, then maybe there's something good coming my way. Maybe Andrew wasn't my "One", although I'm sure I was his. Maybe I've still got it all to come in my life however hard it will be moving on. I can't imagine anyone being better than my Andy but maybe its coming. Or maybe a big lottery win, which would be incredibly good right now!

Given the choice I'd still trade it all in to have him back.